The Difficulty In Establishing And Maintaining Friendships In Your Twenties
I’ve wanted to talk about this for ages. But I couldn’t help but feel like I couldn’t string the words together enough to make it make sense. I tend to feel like that a lot, and it completely demotivates me in terms of blogging. Which is sad, because it’s what I truly love to do more than anything. So I have to push past this mindless fog in order to talk about what I’ve been experiencing regarding friendship for essentially all of my life, but particularly this year.
Struggling To Initiate Friendship
I find it really hard to make real, genuine friends. I always have, but being in my twenties has made it so much more difficult. When you’re in school or college growing up, you meet people and you’re essentially forced together, because you see them every day. Throughout my teens, the emo scene ruled my life, and it drew a group of friends that made me incredibly grateful. In college, I lived in the same house for several years with several people, which helped me to establish more consistent friendships. They’re all really good people, but I can’t help but wonder if it was genuine connection, or because I just happened to be there. I still haven’t figured that out.
On Maintaining Friendship
Regardless or because of that fact (I’m still unsure) I have been completely awful at maintaining these friendships, if I’m completely honest. As you all may know already, my job is all-consuming regarding my time. That isn’t an excuse regarding maintaining relationships, I know. But it makes things incredibly difficult when you’re exhausted and thus demotivated all of the time.
I know that I need to try harder with the friends that I do have, but at the same time, I view it as a 50/50 situation. I’ve had people from my past take me for granted in that regard. So if someone doesn’t match the effort that I do put in, I don’t really see the point in wasting my time. That sounds incredibly harsh, and it is. But I don’t have a lot of time, and I’d rather thoroughly enjoy it with those who truly cherish it. That’s what anyone deserves from their friendships.
The Daunting Reality Of Making New Friends
Making new friends is another tough one for me. I don’t do the usual activities that help people to make friends. I don’t really drink anymore, and when I meet new people I’m always stone-cold sober and incredibly awkward. Whether it’s one-on-one or in a group, I really struggle. If someone starts a conversation, I’m perfectly fine in carrying it. It’s more so the knowing of what to say to a perfect stranger. There’s so many easy, simple questions, because you’ve never met them before. But I despise small talk, 99% of the time it’s just awkward and completely meaningless. I know, I know, I make it so difficult for myself. It’s a habit that I need to break out of. But that’s easier said than done when you’ve been doing it your entire life.
The Impact Of Failed Friendship
I didn’t want to discuss this particular point on my blog ever, to be honest. I’m so angry and hurt by it, and I still can’t make any sense of it. I had a best friend for twenty years, until this year. It’s the longest relationship that I ever had, and they were one of the people that I cherished the most. Which makes it even more sad that they ended our friendship this year and never explained why. They completely ghosted me until I dragged it out of them. Sadly, this situation has changed how I view friendships for the worse.
Right now, I truly feel like I’ll never see friendship the same after this. If a friendship so long and wholesome can end just like that, I don’t see the point in trying with new people if they’ll just leave so heartlessly. I’m hoping that this is something that will pass in time, but right now I feel like I need to protect myself. So I shy away from anything that could potentially hurt me like that again. I know that I deserve genuine friends that I feel a real connection with, and I hope that I’m able to create that for myself in the future.
What’re your thoughts on establishing and maintaining friendships?